My Eight and 1/2 Inches.
In the esoteric parlance of columning, "inches" refers to how long a columnist's column tends to be. For Celebrity I Saw U, my weekly extravaganza of celebritology and pop-culturalia, The Stranger allows a healthy (if merely average) 6 inches. Although it's often repeated that the virtue lies not in how many but how well one uses one's inches, several more seem necessary to fully satisfy me. Roughly eight and ½ more. These, as it were, are they...
Racism Is No Longer Funny.
That spastic Kramer freak from Seinfeld or whatever has really fucked it up for the rest of us---we rare souls who understood the tremendous soul-healing powers of a good "N-bomb" dropped at an ironic moment. Well, it's all over now. “N-bombing”, I mean. Racism is officially no longer funny. And it never will be again. If you haven't already seen it...behold the terrible moment that Kramer or whatever went totally berzerk and took the ironic power of racist humor away from us forever:
Horrible, wasn't it? Of course it was. And, sadly, I feel as if things are still a soupcon too sensitive right now to safely point out that the African American gentleman in question also expressed what might possibly in some far less sensitive reality be considered to be the smallest bit, well, uh...racist...also. So I won’t. Point it out. Thank you for understanding. Fucking cracker.
Then, suddenly, horribly, LANCE BASS IS INSANE!
Just look at him! This is a picture of Lance Bass, his high-price male prostitute and my friend Ruby at Club Baboon or whatever recently. Isn't he freaky? His expression is so blank...so surprised-yet-vacant...so...fucking...creepy. He's clearly quite mad. There is simply no other rational explanation for the look on his face. He's totally psychotic. Was he sitting on a nail? Was there an electrified dildo crammed up his ass? Most likely. But as one concerned Celebrity I Saw U reader that wasn't me pretending to be some else pointed out, "Lance Bass looked like every fag in the world reduced to the lowest denominators: tortured eyebrows, dyed hair, skinny in a flabby way, big BRIGHT-eyed facial expression." "BRIGHT", indeed. If by “BRIGHT” you mean, “THE VOICES WANT ME TO BURN THINGS!” Just look at his crazy ass!
Hello! I eat you now! I am Lance Bass!BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
This is crazy Lance Bass and my friend DJ LA Kedal and some random hoochie. Tortured eybrows? Died hair? Skinny/flabby? BRIGHT? You be the judge. You big judge you.
