Drunk Bushes, Smoky Pop Whores, Republican Conspiracies and Other World Exclusives from Adrian Ryan!

Bush Twins--Drinky Underage Tramps? Yes.
I fully expect to find myself decomposing in an oil barrel deep in the Nevada desert for this, but. I got a message from a KONG producer that none other than fake-ID-toting, underage booze-swilling presidential progeny Jenna Bush suddenly appeared at the Belltown location where he was shooting KONG's late-night show Clubworld! Pressed for details, the source claimed that Secret Service agents snatched his camera and erased 48 incriminating seconds of allegedly drinky Jenna Bush footage from his tape! Can this possibly be true? Calls to the Secret Service say NO.... Personally, I applaud the young Bush's continuing efforts to expose the Bush clan as the drunken despotic reprobates they truly are. (Confidential to Jenna: Chug, chug, CHUUUUUUUUUG! BABY! WOOHOOOO!)

(later...)

Since I'm still a soupçon irate that fanatics went kamikaze on Manhattan, effectively burying the story yours truly broke about the drinky, drinky Bush twins' underage debauch at a Belltown club completely (thank you very much, you al Qaeda shit heads): can you guess which scorching little stud claims that at a recent party he followed the verdant odeur of billowing green straight to the Bush girls (they are female, right?), both drunker than chunky chicks on Free Chalupa Day and whaling on a mad-phat hookah crammed with chronic? Hint: He might be dipsticking Demi Moore at this moment, and his name might rhyme with Ashton Kutcher.

Governor Arnold? Booby Grabber!
Details ? I'm a big-picture kind of boy. Much like the big picture starring that hot, feisty little dyke (who very few people actually know is a dyke--including me, of course, and now you) who tossed a dykey fit when her big-hitting Hollywood costar's manly hands got manhandley on her dyke-a-rific ass, and was begged and cajoled into simmering down lest her outrage damage said big-hitting costar's no- so-rumored up-and-coming political aspirations.

(later...)

Bragging? That I was the very first person (or so) in the entire world to allegedly allege that the new governor of California (or is he? Seriously, I forget...), Arnold Schwarzenegger, may have inappropriately squeezed an unwilling melon or 12 during his long, long, long (and so forth) career as the Most Stuffed-Up-Sounding Man in History? And that the story is just now breaking nationally , what? A kajillion weeks later? Heavens no. Hell, I thought I was just making all that crap up. Even the part about Arnold groping the melon (or melons--who knows, it could even have been her ass) attached to a fresh young she-actor from what might have been a painfully recent movie of his.

Britney Spears—Chainsmoking Hatchet!
And please don't waste anybody's time by pretending that you wouldn't care if I'd learned from the most reliable of imaginable sources that Britney Spears is a closet chain-smoker, because you would, and I did.

A Republican Media Conspiracy?
When one considers that American Media, Inc. now owns all those Joe Weider fitness publications (Shape, Men's Fitness, and all those other glossy homo spank rags) and the tabloidy National Enquirer and Star et cetera, et cetera, and that the aforementioned National Enquirer and Star et cetera, et cetera, conspicuously seemed to avoid and/or neglect any and every rampant rumor regarding Governor Schwarzenegger's alleged womanhandling until safely after his election, added to the fact that Joe Weider and Arnold are great, longtime friends, well... do you think it's all just some crazy kind of coincidence?"

(*Note! This towering example of journalistic obscurity demands clarification. Joe Weider is a long time friend and political supporter of Arnold and the Republicans. Joe Weider owns Weider Publications. Weider Publications owns most common grocery store scandal rags. Writers and reporters for said rags were forbidden to print the narriest peep about Arnold's alleged compulsive booby-grabbing habbits until safely after Arnold's election. Stories that were proposed on the subject were killed. Or so my inside sources say. Scandal!)  

Susan Powter, Mega Dyke!
Eyewitnesses report that Susan's fat-free fanny was spotted at the dyke-drenched opening of the play Girl Meets Girl at Northwest Actors Studio, on the arm of a lovely, lithe thirtysomething femme, with whom she shared several encouraging smooches during the show. (Are you paying attention Jodie Foster? Lucy Lawless? Candice Bergen? Oprah , Roseanne , Pink ...?)

Oscar Winner Left In The Cold!
And did I forget to mention that the Whale Rider party in question was split between El Gaucho restaurant proper and the Big Picture facility downstairs because the Big Picture's owner refused to admit the film's underage star Keisha Castle-Hughes to the official reception? Using the tired old "Washington State liquor laws say, blah, blah, blah" excuse? Proving definitively that our fascist society has lemons stuck up its ass?

Melinda Gates, Snack Smuggler!
Mrs. William “Haircut” Gates pulled a Ziploc baggie out of her pocket and began munching on whatever it might be that the Richest Wife Ever needs to smuggle into the movies. I can't imagine. Platinum-plated Goobers, maybe.

Emminem, Secretly Frou-Frou; Elton John, Contagious!
And I just about crapped hot pink glee when I heard that Eminem has insisted that a UK hotel set aside 15 rooms to accommodate his beauty routine: two rooms for manly, manly gym equipment, but several more to serve as a "beauty center" (bwa ha ha!) including massage table, "yoga corner," steam room, spa for daily hair and skin treatments, and an entire room where he can have his tan sprayed on. "He likes all the skin treatments and wears moisturizer all the time," says a spy. "Women love his looks and he intends to keep them." Yes. Women . But I guess this confirms it: Elton John is contagious.

Kevin Spacey Autographs Boobs!
Kevin Spacey was overwhelmed by drunken adulation following the Spits show at the Crocodile last week, and had to be shooed out the back door to prevent a hysterical stampede of fans (or "fanpede"). Before the backdoor shooing, he autographed a fan's boob.

Johnny Reznick Cat Fightin' Fabulous!
Lastly, Johnny Reznik of the Goo Goo Dolls was allegedly seen cat fighting with an unidentified woman with "big blond hair" in the alley behind the W Hotel last week. He reportedly cat fought wearing camouflage pants and a black knit hat, and his opponent cat fought wearing big blond hair. Although we can only speculate whether or not this is the same big-blond-haired woman Johnny was spotted "cheesily" feeding pickup lines to (in Italian!) in the lobby of the W Hotel just last summer, it is clear that musicians should stay the hell out of alleys.

Christina Aguilera, Also Sometime Mega Dyke!
And do you know that I have a secret spy at a nation al scandal rag that I would NEVER admit was the Enquirer, and that this spy confirmed that Christina Aguilera was engaged in some very public, very heavy tongue-sucking with a (some might say "another") bimbo at a Hollywood restaurant called Tantra? Everyone who's shocked, raise your hand. No. Really.

Lewinsky---Enormous Ass!
Which reminds me--a friend at a national scandal rag tells me that Monica Lewinsky is reportedly "acting like an ass" on the set of Mr. Personality . Meditating on the myriad functions of your average ass leaves me at a loss as to what exactly he meant, however.

Madonna Mean, Confiscates Cameras!
And Madonna --great big bitch? Well, when she did an honest-to-God scheduled appearance at a Barnes & Noble (for Christ's sake--remember when she wouldn't appear for her own bowel movements?) to promote her new kiddies' book, she had all the copies presigned and refused to personalize autographs! And the cameras of fans? Right. Confiscated. Word. I cut the bitch, she try to take my camera.

Winona Has to Pee!
And let's conclude with Winona Ryder's flagrant attempt to abuse sacred celebrity power by trying to dazzle cuts in line to the bathroom at a recent art show, and the guy who refused her getting a round of applause from fellow would-be urinators, because, well, it's damn funny. That's why.

Gina Gershon Buys Used!
Picture it: Gina Gershon browsing the bins at Crossroads Trading Co. on Capitol Hill, lamenting, "Terrible, terrible, terrible!" as she both brazenly rejected each previously owned garment and banished any doubt whatsoever that times have really sucked for everyone. And is she still dating Paul Allen, or was that centuries ago? He could float her a few bucks, I bet. Just a suggestion.

You Heard it Here First!
I take hardly any glee at all in reports that Courtney Love was arrested and "investigated" (imagination runs amok) in L.A. for being under the influence of what the kind, kind police report refers to as a "controlled substance," because, well, I think she might have a problem.

Margarett Cho—Sticky Fingers, Curses Republicans!
She bragged about being in her youth somewhat of a shoplifting savant (but she was never arrested, take note please, Winona ), and says she longs for a Donald Rumsfeld voodoo doll so she could (of all things) supernaturally acupuncture the baggy, baggy eyebags from his sour, sour puss…

Danny's Paul, Revealed!
If you think you saw waxy old John Norris trolling the fag bars last weekend, you did. Unfortunately, I've made certain people certain promises that I'd keep the old catbags in the beancan regarding Grandpa MTV's raison d'être here--for, you see, the top-secret fruit of John's visit is not scheduled to germinate for three more months. But I'd look pretty retarded if I didn't at least tell that I promised not to tell, wouldn't I? And let's not nod our noggins in the direction of the other top-secret secret I'm keeping--the one that's probably related somehow to the first top secret (maybe) but which is technically a completely different top secret. That would simply be waxing overly obscure. But I just want it known that I know. And trust me, I do .

J.Lo., Almost a Voodoo Queen!
And that I guess J.Lo really is using Santeria juju (not voodoo--close, but no cigar) to supernaturally control her love life (read: whammy Ben and Matt into keeping their hot hands off each other). Seems Miss Lo actually is in the counsel of a bona fide, chicken-carrying Santeria priestess , and it was on this juju woman's spiritual advice that J.Lo postponed her wedding--which, for the record, J.Lo's mother is threatening to eventually boycott if J.Lo doesn't cease her mystical meanderings. And didn't I tell you I wasn't making this shit up?

Beyonce, Car Thief!
Lastly, if you sincerely understand that, "She just jumped into the driver's seat... the owner was hysterical, shouting, and trying to run after her," is a quote associated with the huge scene Beyoncé caused when she "accidentally" jacked some poor be-yatch's ride (Beyoncé and said be-yatch apparently drive the exact same mad-phat ride, confusion at valet parking ensued, and so forth), well, you've obviously already heard all about it, haven't you? Well, why are we still discussing it? I just don't know anymore.